Hey, how’s it going, everybody?
Emanuele here, and as the title suggests, this post has nothing to do with programming. At first, I didn’t want to write it simply because I felt uncomfortable. So, what made me change my mind? Since this article talks about a person I used to be incredibly close with—like a brother-sister friendship—how I messed everything up, and how I never had the chance to say I’m sorry, I thought that perhaps writing about it could be my small form of redemption. Let me start from the beginning.
90’s kid#
I grew up in a small town by the sea. My childhood, as far as I can remember, was filled with joy and love—it was definitely special. Like every kid raised in the 90s, I enjoyed playing video games like Pokémon Yellow, and when the PS2 came out, I started getting into console gaming. I used to go to the local video store to rent VHS tapes or DVDs of horror movies.
In September 1999, I started elementary school. I remember this long hallway crowded with parents and children. The teachers began sorting us, and once they finished, I found myself surrounded by 13 other kids I knew nothing about. That was the first time I saw her. We would stay in the same class for the next nine years, until high school.
The Boy and the Girl#
I have beautiful memories of elementary and middle school. We were a tight-knit group: no one was ever left out, and all our moms more or less knew each other. The first time I really got to know her was during a group homework assignment—I can’t recall what the project was about, but I remember that moment.
One vivid memory is her birthday parties. The first time I went, I remember being at a farm filled with animals—two peacocks walked right by me, their tails wide open. Her house was massive. I still haven’t seen a dining table as long as the one in her living room. Her room was packed with stuffed animals, horse models, and posters. In an instant, I realized what her biggest passion was: horses.
Over time, our moms became friends, and we started seeing each other outside of school too. We even joined a swimming course at the local pool. I dropped out because I was afraid of the deep water, but she kept going and eventually started competing. At that point, we weren’t very close yet—just two kids who happened to know each other.
The sister i never had#
I don’t remember the exact moment we became close, but one thing I do remember: we loved playing football together. After school, we’d sometimes play on the school’s small field. It was meant for basketball, but they added two little football goals. By then, we were in middle school, and we started calling each other “little sister” and “little brother.”
Our friendship kept growing. We would text each other every day. I still remember one of her messages telling me about her crush on an older guy—someone who, years later, became a friend of mine. I wish I remembered more about those school days with her because, honestly, they are some of the happiest memories I have.
When high school began, we attended different schools, but we’d still meet on the bus ride home. High school was a turbulent time for me—I wasn’t interested in the subjects, and making new friends wasn’t my thing. I was a teen without direction: insecure and overly concerned about other people’s opinions. A typical teenager, I guess. Since I struggled to make new friends and didn’t want to be seen as a loner, I started acting like someone I wasn’t, just to fit in.
We’d still meet after school when we had time. I’ll never forget those afternoons drinking hot chocolate and going for long walks, talking about anything and everything. Our friendship felt unshakable. I truly believed nothing could break that bond.
I was wrong.
Silly boy#
I don’t recall the exact moment our friendship started to fall apart, but I believe it began when I developed feelings for her. I wanted her to be my girlfriend, but at the same time, I was afraid of ruining what we had. My behavior was shameful—I started bragging about fake relationships, acting like I was someone cool and interesting, when I wasn’t. It was all nonsense.
Things got worse when she started dating someone. Even though our friendship didn’t change at first, I felt a wave of disappointment. I thought she’d drift away from me. I felt like I wasn’t enough for her. My imagination began spiraling, and I was terrified of ending up alone.
“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Seneca
I became convinced that every guy she knew was better than me—even strangers. It didn’t matter who they were. They were better. Period.
Better at what? I don’t know. That’s just how I felt. I was an insecure teenager whose self-worth depended entirely on the world outside me. Years later, I realized she accepted me for who I was. She didn’t want the “cool” version of me. She wanted a friend she could trust. She did trust me.
It took me years to understand how lucky I was.
How did it end? Our texts started to become less frequent, mostly due to my stupid behavior. One day, I even texted her saying I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. She asked to meet up and understand why I was acting that way. Needless to say, I didn’t give her a real explanation. After that, our texts faded until one day, they stopped altogether.
See you cowgirl, someday, somewhere!#
I don’t know where to begin this part. A flood of emotions is running through me, and listening to Modal Soul by Nujabes doesn’t help.
I won’t mention your name—there’s no need. If you’re reading this, I’m sure you’ll know it’s about you. My name should be a clue too.
I’ll never forget the time we spent together. I remember our pool trips where we barely talked. I remember how you’d talk about horses all the time. Your white AngelDevil gloves. Your black Phantom scooter. I remember the first time we had dinner together, the darkness of your room lit only by the DVD we were watching. Yes, I remember the movie: Lake Placid. God, I loved those kinds of films back then. Do you still have all those DVDs in that giant cabinet?
For one of your birthdays, I gave you Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Did you ever watch it? I also remember watching the first Harry Potter movie together. And the Sunday trips to our local amusement park. I remember your dad, always joking around, and his minerals collection. Your serious, kind mother. I liked them a lot.
Most of all, I remember your kind heart and your sweetness.
“Horizon” just started playing—it’s the final track of Modal Soul and the one that brings your memory back most vividly. Like magic, it lights up those memories of you.
Closing Words#
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about you over the past ten years. Not having the chance to apologize has weighed heavily on me. This post is just a small attempt to ease that guilt. I never meant to write about you, but seeing you the other day in your white pickup truck triggered everything I’d buried inside.
No, you didn’t see me—and yes, you’re still beautiful. You’d be the perfect woman in a Kamimura manga.
We know nothing about each other now, but let me tell you this: I’m no longer the boy you used to know. I hated that insecure, dishonest, shy version of myself so much that I tore him down and rebuilt myself from the ground up.
Years ago, I heard you finally got horses. That made me incredibly happy.
Let me end this by saying: always keep your heart open. I hope you find someone who treats you with the love you deserve. I hope you still think of me as a friend. Wherever you are in life, I want you to know—I’m proud of you.
And I know, someday, we’ll meet again. I promise.
— Emanuele